The Dictator's Guide to Martial Displays (Part Two of Two)
A Manual for the Aspiring Autocrat
CONFIDENTIAL – EYES ONLY
Office for Patriotic Spectacle and Weaponised Ceremonialism
Memorandum No. 448
To: Your Excellency.
Subject: How to Conduct a Proper Parade Worthy of your Boundless Ego (Part Two of Two)
Note: This memorandum constitutes Part Two of two comprehensive guides on the proper orchestration of the martial parade. It is the natural continuation of the foundational principles laid out in Part One, which addressed the essential structure, symbolism, and aesthetic groundwork necessary for any credible display of national virility.
Whereas Part One concerned itself with military matters and how to construct the illusion, Part Two is dedicated to ensuring that the illusion holds.
I. The Leader’s Inspection and Address
The Grand Commencement
The parade shall not commence without Your Excellency’s meticulously choreographed permission. Let the crowds—and the world—wait in anticipation.
This permission is not to be conferred casually. A solemn officer—ideally of freakish height and improbably elongated limbs—is to march, ceremonial sword in hand, to a respectful (and safely bulletproof) distance from you.
Upon reaching the pre-specified coordinates, the officer will snap to attention (heel click audible) and utter the following incantation:
“Sir, the Army of [insert your country here] is formed up and awaits Your Excellency’s leave to begin the parade, Sir”.
Then comes the critical refrain:
“With your permission, Sir, may I instruct the parade to begin, Sir”.
At this pivotal juncture, Your Excellency is to employ one of two—and only two— manners of response
Preferred: A solemn nod of precisely two to three seconds in duration.
Acceptable: A modest raising of the hand with one’s palm downwards. (Never above shoulder height).
Timing Considerations
Although Part One recommended an early afternoon commencement, this directive is compulsory in spirit rather than law.
The precise timing remains at the sole discretion of Your Excellency.
To preempt any scurrilous accusation of tardiness, all public clocks within a five-mile (8.3 km) radius of the parade area must be either removed or discreetly disabled.
Sartorial Considerations
Having established your permission to proceed, we turn to the equally crucial matter of your appearance.
Your Excellency may choose to don military regalia of his own design and selection. This choice harbours a mortal jeopardy.
The fundamental danger in wearing uniforms lies in their inexorable drift toward what scholars call 'medal inflation’. Once established, these demands become self-perpetuating. A chest modestly adorned with seventeen medals at one parade will require forty-three by the next.
This dynamic, if left unchecked, has been known to escalate to levels that are unstable and invite ridicule1.
Wear a suit. Maintain the dignity of someone who has transcended the need for such apparel.
Instead leave it to Your Generals. Lavish them in antique and shiny medals from bygone campaigns that may or may not have occurred. (This might necessitate the installation of North Korean-style extension racks to allow for horizontal medal overflow).
Yet remain vigilant. Excessive honours on subordinates might upstage Your Excellency's own achievements which would risk an intolerable inversion of natural hierarchy. (Regrettably, this may or may not require shootings).
Conveyance and Carriage
Your Excellency might conduct a pre-parade inspection of assembled forces. This serves multiple strategic functions. It allows troop inspection whilst bestowing upon them the incalculable honour of witnessing you at close proximity. It also provides for excellent photo opportunities.
The armoured vehicle selected for your conveyance should be suitably elongated and, wherever possible, of domestic manufacture2. It is strongly advised to employ the time-honoured technique of standing through the sunroof—that produces a dignified jack-in-the-box effect—and maximises visibility while preserving the necessary elevation above the populace.
A minimum of four oversized microphones should be affixed to the vehicle. These need not be operational.
The Address
The Leader’s remarks during the parade shall adhere strictly to one of two—and only two—approved modes of address. Each, in its own distinct way, will maximise impact upon the assembled throngs and the watching world. Under no circumstances should a dreary middle ground be pursued.
The Sphinx. Say nothing. Remain schtum. Utter not a single syllable. Let your thoughts be cloaked in mystique, and allow your authority to radiate through the sheer presence and silent osmosis of military might.
The Epic. You must speak, uninterrupted, for no fewer than three hours. Four is optimal. Five has precedent.
This mode is not advisable during the height of summer unless field hospitals are stationed at quarter-mile intervals to accommodate thermal attrition incidents amongst the assembled masses, diplomatic corps, and speaker3.
Topics are naturally endless and are at the complete discretion of Your Excellency. But it should include matters of pressing national importance, such as:
The statistics of sorghum yields. (A perennial crowd pleaser).
The vexing matter of Tartars, irrigation rights, and experimental poetry.
How your political opponents—in concert with a shadowy international cabal— have emasculated the nation through intrusive regulations on dishwashers, showers, and lightbulbs
The size of audiences at your previous speeches. Perhaps the largest ever assembled anywhere, at any time, for any reason.
A fatuous observation universally known, yet only just discovered by you.
The insidious machinations of that seditious administrative apparatus, the International Badminton Federation.
The perfidy of self-proclaimed ‘contemporary arts journalists’4.
How you single-handedly invented the concept of Tuesday.
Recent dreams and their strategic interpretations for national policy.
Prior romantic conquests and their consequences for contemporary diplomatic relations, particularly vis-à-vis the Adriatic question.
Note: The ad-hoc nature of such a speech may cause disruptions to the Spontaneous Standing Ovation Procedure.
It is imperative that you conclude The Epic with an ominous warning aimed at unnamed foreign adversaries who, “will soon feel our presence in ways they cannot even begin to imagine”.
For stylistic guidance, consult the transcendental monologues of Colonel Gaddafi. (Particularly his UN address proposing the administrative dissolution of Switzerland as a political entity).
Optional: A ceremonial renewal of oaths to your armed forces may be administered during the address. Suggested wording is detailed in Appendix A.
II. The Delegation.
The composition of your viewing area—whether balcony, dais, or other elevated sanctum—is of paramount importance. The decision of whom to admit into this rarefied space constitutes a sovereign act of political theatre that demands the utmost Machiavellian calculus.
The Delicate Art of Guest Curation
The impulse to display international camaraderie is understandable, if not regrettable. But such sentimental indulgence must be ruthlessly subordinated to the principle of hierarchical clarity. Realpolitik must trump sentiment.
Invitations to the viewing areas are therefore only permissible under two strictly defined conditions.
The Superior Power Gambit
You may invite a representative from a nation demonstrably more powerful than your own. This confers upon your regime the aura of external legitimacy and suggests—however implausibly—that your leadership is recognised, acknowledged, and, above all, respected.
There may be practical advantages as well. With luck, they may dispatch a modest contingent of troops to participate in your parade. Seat their delegate beside you. Ensure they applaud at regular intervals with visible enthusiasm. The cameras must catch this validation.
The Ornamental Subordinate
Alternatively, you may invite a delegate from a nation significantly weaker. Their role is almost entirely decorative. Have them function as human footstools upon the dais of your magnificence. Their presence should affirm, to both domestic and international audiences, the esteem in which you are held.
The practice of Brezhnev-style kissing is not recommended.
But be warned: it is an unforgivable transgression to invite a near-peer. Never permit a perceived equal to share your platform or bask in your spotlight. Such a gesture risks generating an intolerable ambiguity of your status. A leader is never more alone than when flanked by equals.
Domestic Placement and the Choreography of Humility
Seating arrangements for domestic figures demand equal cunning. Distribute several decrepit veterans in ill-fitting period uniform across the viewing platform. The older the better. If their medals predate colour television, you are on the right track.
It is recommended to insert a few crusty revolutionaries or fossilised members of the politburo, particularly those who squint at sunlight as if it offends them personally.
These venerable figures provide Your Excellency with a stage-managed opportunity to display a moment of orchestrated humility and tenderness. At a preordained moment, you may stoop—perhaps as you pause to adjust a cufflink—and whisper something vague but patriotic into a survivor’s ear.
Ensure the cameras capture this gesture. It will be transformed into a display of apparent spontaneous reverence for the old guard. Alternatively, you may wait for the veteran to seat himself before taking your own chair. This choreographed deference serves the dual function of signalling respect for tradition while simultaneously highlighting your own vigour by contrast.
Succession and Strategic Absence
Your designated successor should be positioned just far enough behind you to convey subservience, yet close enough to imply inevitability. Matching outfits, although optional, are strongly recommended.
If a uniform is worn, mandate that your protégé's medals are smaller and fewer in number.
Conversely, a conspicuous absence can serve an equally strategic purpose. Let foreign analysts, regional hacks, and digital mystics agonise over its significance5.
Sartorial Decorum of Dignitaries
Should you elect to invite cabinet ministers—particularly the Defence Secretary or similar ceremonial dignitaries—a sacred prohibition must be issued with utmost clarity. The following crimes are not just mere fashion infractions but acts of sartorial vandalism that imperil the very foundations of your authority:
Brown Shoes. Pete…
Not now. Not ever. This heinous crime becomes particularly grotesque when paired with a light blue suit. It suggests weakness, poor breeding, and—worse—possible Canadian ancestry.
Novelty socks, themed ties and pocket squares, and other whimsical accessories.
These are the vestments of Miami realtors (whose reputation justifiably precedes them) and other con-men. They reek of frivolity and failed third marriages.
Your subordinates must understand that levity in dress reveals a dangerous levity of mind.
III. The Crowd
Your subjects present the greatest challenge to Your Excellency’s theatrical vision. Unlike your military, which can be trained, or your foreign guests, who can be bribed or flattered, the crowd must appear to be organic, while being completely controlled.
They should appear besotted, yet devoid of alternatives.
Proximity is critical. The masses must be close enough to display fervour, yet distant enough to preserve Your Excellency’s safety. Barricades, buffer zones, and discreetly armed intermediaries are strongly advised.
Recall the first rule of dictatorial theatre: Never appear to require protection from your own military hardware.
The Calculus of Collective Fervour
Begin with the numbers. The crowd ought to suggest epochal significance, yet not so large as to risk panic or, worse, the emergence of uncontrolled sentiment. It must never distract from—nor exceed—the presence of your military and matériel.
Numbers can be manipulated through canny positioning and optical illusions. Narrow available space to force density, sealing adjacent streets and parks to prevent crowd dispersal.
Television cameras might be required to do some heavy lifting. Position them so that they suggest an infinite throng that stretches beyond the horizon.
The Demographic Architecture
The composition of your crowd requires the same strategic foresight as your military formations. Each demographic is to fulfil a designated function.
The front rows are to be populated exclusively with the photogenic and the pliable. Children are ideal—wide eyes, enthusiastic—and delightfully receptive to instruction.
Their presence also provides an insurance policy. Any criticism of the event becomes—by extension—an attack on childhood itself.
Ensure these miniature patriots are equipped with miniature flags and correctly coached in the deft art of flag waving. Nothing should appear rehearsed, even as everything is rigorously choreographed.
Behind the children, position your most dependable citizens. Typically these are those whose livelihoods (or life) depend directly upon your continued favour. Civil servants, state employees, and the long suffering spouses of mid-ranking military officers make for exemplary candidates.
These loyalists require no instruction. They instinctively know that their economic survival demands a fervent display of political ecstasy, and will applaud with zeal and without hesitation.
Bringing up the rear should be a carefully engineered blend of true believers and strategic plants. These operatives are tasked with several key functions, including acting as chant initiators and expression role models.
Should any section of the crowd falter or hesitate, these embedded assets will be on hand to reignite morale and elevate any lapses in tone.
Avoid the temptation to bus in people from the provinces. They are unsightly.
The Choreography of Response
The reaction of the crowd must appear spontaneous whilst being precisely timed. This becomes especially challenging when Your Excellency opts for the Epic Speech, complete with real-time improvisation, emotional digressions, and spontaneous rewrites driven by mood or celestial alignment.
To mitigate the risk of awkward silences or mistimed patriotism, consider the installation of discreetly mounted digital applause signs along the parade route.
Commands such as 'CLAP!', 'WAVE!', 'FEIGN ECSTASY!' should be subtle enough to elude foreign observers, yet clear enough to guarantee an appropriate response from the crowd.
Where enthusiasm flags, hidden microphones and directional loudspeakers may be used to broadcast pre-recorded cheering and applause to create the acoustic illusion of uncontainable national joy
Further reinforcement should come from plainclothes operatives and roving morale officers embedded throughout the crowd.
Operational duties are to include; the prevention of lingering, the igniting of applause, launching of chants, and modelling of the correct expressions of joy and reverence.
The Suppression of Dissent
Dissent, while regrettable, can fester in the crowd much like perspiration or public urination. However comprehensive your surveillance apparatus or preemptive detentions may be, it is prudent to plan for the occasional outbreak of unauthorised thought.
Your Excellency is to be prepared for this possibility.
Deploy security personnel in civilian clothing strategically throughout the crowd. These individuals are to be trained not merely in crowd control, but in the delicate art of social coercion.
A whispered word, or a firm grip on the shoulder can often prevent minor disruptions from escalating into major incidents.
Should persuasion fail, malcontents shall be swiftly and discreetly extracted via pre-planned evacuation routes. This requires artful execution. The key is not simply to suppress dissent, but to make it disappear before anyone notices.
For incidents that resist total concealment, prepare a selection of tasteful cover stories. A mild medical episode, breakouts of interpretive dance, or sudden patriotic measures all work well.
Your Excellency may think that permitting a token protest— brief, and ritually jeered—may provide an illusion of pluralism.
This technique requires total media control and a high tolerance for irony. It is therefore classified as Advanced and lies beyond the scope of this memo.
IV. Protocol Addenda
(Miscellaneous Imperatives)
Refreshment Prohibition
No comestibles shall be vended or consumed within fifty miles of the parade perimeter. Such activity encourages unsightly refuse accumulation and impedes the spontaneous manifestation of patriotic enthusiasm
The sight of a common hot dog vendor will inevitably inject an intolerable air of banality into the proceedings.
Corporate Patronage Guidelines
Avoid commercial sponsorship arrangements, which—despite offering convenient access to clandestine favours and supplemental funding—will only cheapen the grandeur of the event.
National Arms Manufacturers may be granted discretionary consideration.
The Foreign Press
The foreign press corps constitutes a regrettable, if unavoidable, necessity. Personnel must be confined to a designated Foreign Correspondents Enclosure, positioned no closer than 2346 metres from the parade route.
This secure, cordoned facility ensures that reporting can be sufficiently monitored.
To ensure ‘objective reporting’, all foreign journalists shall wear colour-coded identification bibs indicating country of origin, press affiliation, and security trustworthiness rating6.
Access shall be limited exclusively to state-controlled video feeds. Any attempt to capture unauthorised photographic angles will result in immediate repatriation and a lifetime ban7.
The Broadcast
All commentary—whether live or pre-recorded, is required to adhere to official scripting. Narrators must possess a strong vocal resonance and unwavering commitment to hyperbolic expression.
Statistical references regarding crowd attendance, military capabilities, and national prosperity shall be enhanced by a factor of no less than twenty-three percent above documented figures.
Camera positioning must remain fixed at a reverent upward angle, always below Your Excellency’s eye-level, to enhance the illusion of majesty and divine elevation.
Downward angles are strictly prohibited, as these might reveal any follicular retreat.
Musical Selections and the Avoidance of Lyrical Embarrassment
Commercial music, while potentially stirring, can present significant interpretive risks. Indeed, recent international incidents have highlighted the dangers of misaligned musical messaging.
The following compositions are therefore strictly prohibited.
Fortunate Son. This is a song about a draft dodger…
The Band of Brothers theme song. This evokes personal grief rather than shared patriotic pride.
Ride of the Valkyries. Forever linked with helicopter failures and cinematic war crimes.
Brass ensembles shall provide all musical accompaniment.
Spontaneous Bouquet Manoeuvre (Advanced Technique)
This gesture may be enacted in tribute to Your Excellency, or a selected foreign VIP whose temporary usefulness warrants additional symbolic affection.
A pre-selected schoolgirl (7-9 years old) should spontaneously sprint from behind the security cordon (without triggering defensive protocols) and present a floral gift.
Her backstory (ideally rural, recently orphaned, miraculously literate), should be distributed to the media beforehand.
Botanical Restrictions: Chrysanthemums are prohibited for their funerary associations, and lilies—which are of French provenance—and require no additional explanation.
END OF MEMORANDUM
Distribution: Your Excellency (Original); Ministry of Defence (Redacted Copy); Office of Information (Summary Only); All Others: DESTROY AFTER READING
Appendix A
Oath of Allegiance
This should be conducted loudly and in tones which are indecipherable to foreigners.
"Do you swear to protect the State?"
(We do!)
"Do you swear to obey without hesitation or delay?"
(We do!)
"Do you swear to offer your life in service of [Insert Your Excellency's Name]"
(We do!)
See His Excellency, President for Life, Field Marshal Al Hadji Doctor Idi Amin Dada, VC, DSO, MC, CBE, Lord of All the Beasts of the Earth and Fishes of the Sea, and Conqueror of the British Empire in Africa in General and Uganda in Particular.
In smaller nations with a… developing… domestic automotive sector, the use of foreign marques—particularly Mercedes-Benz or BMW—are acceptable. German manufacturers possess the requisite gravitas and carry a certain historical resonance in matters of parades.
Should Your Excellency opt for the Epic Speech, a system of discreetly placed intravenous drips cooling fans may need to be installed behind the lectern.
The Ministry of Culture has compiled a dossier on these individuals. It has now been forwarded to the appropriate authorities for review and necessary measures.
See the unveiling of Lukashenko’s son.
Also, don’t ever invite Mark Stone of Sky News to report and critique your parade. His Brother was formerly the Brigade Major of the Household Division and knows how to run a parade.
For precedent, consider the expulsion of “so-called journalist” Rupert Wingfield-Hayes by the DPRK in 2016 for "coverage that was not very just" and for "making distorted facts about the actual reality of the situation”. A visibly indignant official held an outraged press conference to denounce his reporting as "an attack on objectivity itself”.